What is ambiguous grief?

Imagine mourning the living every day. Sounds miserable right? Well, that basically defines what Ambiguous grief is.

You see as the mother of an addict there is no closure.

For the last 3.5 years I have I have experienced a cycle of devestation, hope, devestation, hope...devestation. It feels like how I would picture pergatory. The devestation of active drug use to the hope that starts to build when they come to you and want treatment and tell you each time "This my rock bottom, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." The reality then hits few days, weeks or even months when they relapse and your world collapse all over again. That has happened 7 times to me in the last 3.5 years. You heard me right...7 times.

I have worked in the healthcare Industry for over 12 years. I did bedside as an ICU/ER nurse for 1o years. 5 of those years was spent working in an ER that boarded psych patients and substance use disorder patients since both of those inpatient services were available at that facility. I've lost more overdoses than I would care to admit but it wasn't until I learned about my then 19 year olds IV drug use just how horrible and ruthless addiction is. I believed that once she entered treatment the first time that she would be sober and this "bump in the road" would end. Majority of the time that is not the case and it definately wasn't for us.

Living a happy and healthy life seems impossible when you are literally waiting everyday to get the call that they overdosed and died. We also mourn the person the addict once was. Even with long stents of sobriety she isn't the same. In the article, "Caregivers'Grief in Acquired Non-death Interpersonal Loss" they discuss how "the person is literally alive but effectively gone."

My situation like many also involved me getting temporary custody of my grandson on his 1st birthday. He is my daughters twin, and I feel like I am looking into her eyes when she was a child. It's like a constant reminder of the pain. He is now 4 years old, and all week he was making mother's day gift. I am the only real mother he knows, and you have no idea how pained I am to even write that. I wanted to be Gigi! I wanted him to have his parents and not grow up worrying why he "wasn't enough" when he is perfect.

The pain will always remain, because I have changed through her addiction. However, creating and maintaining safe and healthy boundaries to protect my mental and emotional state have been crucial in my survival and ability to still thrive. I also believe trying to give back and share my families story in the hopes of bringing awareness and possibly saving once life makes some of this pain worth it. They say God won't give you more than you can handle, and maybe when considering purpose? Bringing awareness is mine. I just don't know.

Next blog will be about Boundaries and how to establish them...Subscribe to my newsletter to be notified.